Communication, communication, communication.

It’s not a secret that communication is one of the most important traits a human can possibly have in order to be successful and happy. The better you communicate your thoughts at work and around your family, the more positive results will appear. That is misunderstanding is one of the results of bad communication.

In collage I had a great group of friends, I don’t remember being close to people as I have been then. Of course I met people at school, and they were great, but at collage I met people with similar interest as I have and we developed great friendships that lasts till now nine years.

It was not until the past year, when I have gone through both private and public breakups that I feel like I have crushed a small part of myself trying to heal out of those times. A year and half later, I am not the same person I used to be. Part of my confidance and self worth that I carried within me, have suddenly shattered. I am left feeling very small about myself. I cannot seem to be able to talk to my friends the same way I used to, I found their interests boring. I don’t find their intrests and goals in life to have any meaning into them. I find them lacking value. Which is not true, they are one of the most wonderful people I have me t and they hold such a big heart and good intentions. It’s me that I mostly find out of track. I know I have gone through more bad or unpleasant relationship experiences in the past three years than I have all my life. This time though it’s as if I hit a rock and I’m still dizzy and cannot see straight. I find everything meaningless, when my friends laugh I find the subject of the matter insignificant.

What sort of bad relationship can cause you to feel so worthless about yourself that you lose communication with people you’ve known almost all your adult life? That is the kind of relationships where you have given a lot of yourself to the point where you expose yourself, your feelings, your reputation, your values and all that you hold dear to someone who abuses the trust you give them. At that point they diminish part of your soul and all you’ve built through your life to make it feel as if it doesn’t matter, it lacks value and is not good enough for them. Here you either understand that the person is wrong and you get yourself out of the relationship, or you cave in and try to change so much of yourself to fit their demands of an idol picture of a friend. Then it’s BOOM you realize at some point that hey, you will never be good enough for them because there is nothing wrong with you to begin with, the problem was with them all along and you have to now start the emergency alarm inside your brain and get the hell out of this relationship. At that point though I turned of the alarm and took out the battery out of it and claimed that the relationship is there to stay and stay for good! So no alarm will ever be loud enough to cut me out of this relationship.

Little did I know how one relationship has compromised all the relationships I have with everyone else. I feel so small and not good enough with all other people, or I found myself way too good to be with them. When did I ever became such a mess, I’m not sure. It’s not until a year and half later that I am at this point where I can’t talk. Everything has lost its meaning and the cat has eaten my tongue. BOOM. Maybe I need to build myself from ground zero now and start small from my comfort zone outward at my own base. No pressure. No expectation. Just me taking my time to build me some strong walls and when the time is right, I’ll open a small window or a door and say hi to the outsiders. This time I probably should be careful with the outsiders, I’ll watch, test and put them under experiment long before I start breaking my walls.

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